Have you been in a relationship where arguments about who’s going to do what to clean the place, and when, are driving everyone crazy?
Let’s talk about CLEANLINESS. Ever had a time where one of you prioritizes things being a LOT more organized and clean than the other? Yeah, I know you have. Now throw some neurodiversity in there- if either of you has OCD, and/or anxiety, and/or ADHD, how does that play into the mix?
Suddenly, what feels like it should be so simple has turned into an ongoing source of tension that has led to resentment, frustration, and shame.
Here’s what I see - it’s often a push on the person who tends to be more traditionally neat and clean to feel they are constantly pulling extra weight, nagging and nudging the other, and the other feeling like they can’t get a break, don’t have space, are misunderstood, or feel treated like a childd. But, and maybe this is radical, who says CLEANER IS BETTER?
Hear me out here. I’m not suggesting you live like Pigpen.
Often, if you’re with an established adult who errs on the side of what looks like messiness and disorganization, it’s because they are prioritizing OTHER things over traditional cleanliness, not because they are lazy or uncaring. Or it may be that your partner’s system of organizing is different, that it looks disorganized to you but is actually a strategic way of keeping things more outwardly visible to help her/his/their mind keep track and make sense- especially if there’s neurodiversity involved.
And sometimes, a focus on keeping things especially ordered can be a factor of anxiety or OCD where neatness and organization at a certain level is equated with control.
None of this is inherently right or wrong or good or bad- but needs to be recognized. This conversation, and many others, often devolve into frustrating nag sessions around priorities, leading to shame, and resentment, when it could be an opportunity to have some deeper understanding and compassion for each other’s different perceptions and processing systems- and even, sometimes, a reflections on some of our deeepest wounds and triggers.
Like most conversations that escalate or get dismissed, there’s the issue itself (managing roles, duties, and expectations around cleaning), and the way it’s handled (are we truly listening and embracing curiosity around each other’s lens?)
Have you been in this dynamic? Which side were you on?
POLL:
Which number resonates for you?
Cleanliness is close to Godliness,
How can I clean my place when the world is a mess
I’ve got my own system- leave me alone)
None of these apply- I don’t fit in a checkbox.
Want to chat about it?