When Was the Last Time You Had Sex? 🤔
Photo by Daria Litvinova on Unsplash
It’s a rhetorical question. But if it’s been a while, you are not alone.
This is something a lot of people aren’t talking about.
They aren’t having a sex. At all.
Some of my clients, and by some I mean… many, have not had sex in months. And some couples- more than most may think- in YEARS.
This is one of those areas that, like SO many others, I find heartbreaking because so often, both people WANT the same thing, but habits and patterns have become so wired in that the thought of being the one to break through feels WAY too awkward to even try.
But it also often runs deeper than physical intimacy.
There may be love languages at play- if one has physical touch as a primary and feels rejected and unwanted and the other needs to feel validated and appreciated before engaging, they may be stuck in a vicious circle, when both are longing to be close,
If resentment has built over time over trust issues or real or perceived slights, omissions, or betrayals, then maybe one feels the other should let it go, and the other feels it’s never fully been dealt with enough for healing to come in, so the distance can keep expanding,
When physical touch triggers past trauma or abuse, one or both of you may be unsure how to navigate something that feels so heavy, but may not feel directly connected to this relationship at all…
Like so many other things, this isn’t about all or nothing.
Here are some suggested steps:
Start with affirmations- remind each other of the things you love and appreciate each other before diving in to the challenges
Invite a chat about it at a neutral time- don’t wait for tension to emerge…
Approach the conversation with “We”. Our brains are wired to process what we’re trying to say, what we want others to hear.. so starting with an approach that you two as a TEAM will identify ideas that will help both of you get what you are missing can make all the difference.
Relationship Coach Dawn
With my couples, while this isn’t couples therapy, we can look at the context together and unpack it, and build a plan, small commitments each of you can take on to rewire our patterns, and I can give referrals for EMDR and other trauma support, where needed.
And as for the actual physical intimacy….
Start with a hug.. hugs have been PROVEN to be healing, and regulating, Yeah, even that might feel award. Lean into the awkwardness. anytime were’ disrupting our usual scripts, it’s going to feel awkward. Also, let’s chat.
Because yeah, it IS often easier to share areas that have been discussed over and over or brushed under a rug with a couples counselor or relationship coach who can reflect back what both of you are seeing and feeling, and can help you come up with tiny steps towards navigating whatever resentment and trust issues and triggers may be there as well so you can rebuild intimacy rather than trying to fix it all yourselves.