Waffles, Noodles, and Why It’s Actually a Good Thing He Doesn’t Give a Damn About The Color of the Linens

See if this sounds familiar. You’ve had a bad day, you come home, and your woman, who can see it all over you, says,

His side:

“Hi love, how was your day?”

“Fine.”

But she can tell it wasn’t fine. So she either pries, and you get in an argument, or she lets it go, but festers with it, wondering what she might have done, why you’re so distant, whether you two are okay, and if this is about the thing that happened two nights ago…

Here’s the thing- men and women genuinely process and communicate differently. I’ve worked with hundreds of couples over the last few years and can tell you that I’ve seen it almost universally — among same sex couples too — women (or those who use more white matter — see below) generally like to talk things out. We actually process bytalking through things. Guys (or those who use more gray matter — see below) often don’t. The purpose, for a guy, in general, of talking through something, is to fix it.

So if it’s not going to ‘fix’ the crap that went down at work, why the heck would you want to rehash it by talking it through with her? You want to come home, put your arm around her, and forget about it.

Her side:

See if this resonates. You are, once again, in charge of pretty much all the minute details and planning for the next big thing you two have coming up—like, say, your wedding, the details of which have already changed countless times during a global pandemic. Most of the time, you don’t mind it. You like doing the research, you read reviews, you look at magazines, you're up on the latest stats, and, let’s face it, you probably know a lot more about color spectrums than he does.

After hours, maybe weeks or months of compiling information, you ask your partner for input. You’ve narrowed down the photographer to three options, but now you're agonizing. Your partner, with no hesitation, goes for option B. Seriously?

Or you give him just one thing to manage- say booking the transportation, and feel like a giant nag when you have to remind him once, twice, three times to please get on it. Come on.

It’s not Black & White, it’s Gray & White:

Here’s how one groom finally helped me understand it, and forever shifted my perspective. You can’t get upset with your partner for not putting as much time and attention into choosing between the mauve or the lavender. First of all, as we mentioned, he processes differently. Often, his bottom line is one thing — like, say, the budget. Is this one cheaper? Great. Second, he often really doesn’t care. All he cares about is that this day represents that he will now get to spend the rest of his life with the woman he loves. Sure, it’s an important day- a big party- with lots of emotions and lots of variable and LOTS of money — but ultimately, it’s just a big party that ushers in an era of marriage- and that’s the most important piece.

I fully recognize that I am making sweeping generalizations. But there is scientific basis to these differences that makes them generally hold true. I’m fully aware that I’ve spoken mostly about a ‘man’ and a ‘woman’, but, as I mentioned, I’ve seen this dynamic in same sex couples as well.

It’s the yin and yang that often draws couple together and creates their balance that is often the same dynamic that can cause confusion and disconnect in those moments when our differences don’t form a comfortable balance — and we find we really don’t understand one another.

Scientific research has proven this model.

“Male brains utilize nearly seven times more gray matter for activity while female brains utilize nearly ten times more white matter. What does this mean?

Gray matter areas of the brain are localized. They are information- and action-processing centers in specific splotches in a specific area of the brain. This can translate to a kind of tunnel vision when they are doing something. Once they are deeply engaged in a task or game, they may not demonstrate much sensitivity to other people or their surroundings.

White matter is the networking grid that connects the brain’s gray matter and other processing centers with one another. This profound brain-processing difference is probably one reason you may have noticed that girls tend to more quickly transition between tasks than boys do. The gray-white matter difference may explain why, in adulthood, females are great multi-taskers, while men excel in highly task-focused projects.”

So Here Are Some Tips:

Headline: pretend what you want to say to your partner is a newspaper article, and you’re going to headline it with “Just Venting”, or “Actually Need Your Advice”.

Use Time Outs: If one of you does need to cool off, do it for a set amount of time- then come back.

Make Direct Requests: This is for both of you — if you’re looking for something from your partner, ask for it- really- be completely direct in what you would like. It may feel unromantic or unemotional, but if done compassionately and authentically, it can save you both a lot of time and heartache.

Listen: yes, it’s been said millions of times, but really. Put down your phone, look your partner in the eyes, and make sure you’re really hearing what he or she wants. Make it a habit- even if it means scheduling 5 minutes of uninterrupted time a day.

Oprah once said, “The yearning to feel heard, needed, and important is so strong in all of us that we seek that validation in whatever form we can get it.

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